Day 1

Dear Diary

It’s the first day of holidays. The first day out in my Rio Ruffle Curvy Kate bikini.

The first test of any bikini is if it fits. In this case it fits to a T – or rather a bra (as they come in bra sizes). Not too much baggage under the arms – you know how those bits of fat plump out and spill up and under your arms so you can’t put them down flat? Not too much of that. Good.

The top is giving me some lift so I’m not looking as droopy as normal and has a pretty jade frill with purple edging and straps. The bottoms are low cut, sitting on the hip and has the same frilly jade-coloured edging that looks like a mini-skirt around the top. I feel ‘contained’ and without worry that a body part may come flying out anytime soon. This is not a bikini for doing a ‘Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction’ and for that I’m grateful.

How the bikini looks on a model

I park myself poolside and splash my toes in the water, lean my head back and drink in the sun. Ahhh… this is leisurely. The kids both jump in and begin bobbing around, doggy paddling about. ‘Be careful’ I warn, ‘it’s very deep’. Next second I hear spluttering and coughing. I launch in, a great slapping belly flop causing a mini tidal wave and flail over to them. In slight panic (and I can’t say I blame them) they both grab hold of the nearest thing available which happens to be the top of my head. Not surprisingly this makes keeping it above water really quite tricky.

The lunch in my tummy has barely gone down but now I’m having to pull off my best Pamela Anderson impression and without that red plastic thing that she keeps under her armpit. ‘Help’ I manage to splutter to the husband who is arranging towels and unpacking his bag. ‘Help!’ With two kids on my head and mine underwater he takes a moment to realise it’s me calling him. He has to jump straight in and race over to help us. We all make it to the side of the pool. I don’t think anyone has noticed. Oh honestly, who am I kidding? Everyone has.

So that’s the initiation over with. Within 1 minute I’ve gone from poolside to Baywatch to hauling myself out, catching my breath, telling children off and trying to regain some dignity with the open-mouthed poolsiders. The latter a definite distant memory.

As I sit there, chest heaving (thank goodness for the uplift) I look down at my bikini. Then I notice that the frill around the the bottoms has disappeared and in it’s place is what looks like a sausage-shaped roll of chicken flesh. Who on earth has left a chicken fillet in the swimming pool? How disgusting. Then I realise that it’s actually my stomach. I quickly upright myself, suck it in and look around sharpish. I might as well have an advert over my tummy declaring all the the ciders, chocolates and cakes that I have scoffed to create this ‘Jabba’ tum.

Right, I think to myself. This holiday I’m going to get rid of this unsightly bulge and begin to plan …

[To be continued...]

I recieved a Curvy Kate bikini to review. This will be mentioned in the Bikini Diaries alongside my own swimwear. All the words and opinions are my own.