Dear Diary

In the last instalment I discovered my stomach resembled a chicken sausage and decided to do something about it…

The good thing about being on holiday in a really hot country (Turkey) is that the heat tends to zap one’s appetite. The bad thing about being on holiday in a really hot country is that the heat tends to make one very thirsty. Now, I’m no nutritionist but a diet solely made up of vodka and lemonade does not a flat belly make.

MORE: The Bikini Diaries – #1

I’ve been rotating wearing my Curvy Kate bikini and my Peacock’s polka dot number and have not yet given into the full coverage. If the room is dark and I look face on in the mirror with squinted eyes the result is not too bad. However, as soon as I turn sideways my tum area starts to look very similar to the hump-backed bridge that we drive over on the way to my parent’s house.

Picture thanks to Ell R Brown @ Flickr.com

As well as cutting back on naughty eating I could do with some toning. With the kids spending the whole day frolicking in the pool it means that I can supervise and exercise at the same time. So the other day I began instructing myself in some underwater toning exercises. It was all going well, a few bends this way and then the other. I even snatched the noodle off the kids and started doing weird looking things with that. I threw in some underwater kicks that the Team GB synchronised swimming team may like to incorporate in their routine and then feverishly bobbed up and down doing a sort of tucky up leggy type thing – all done whilst sucking in the tum.

Typically, I got carried away. By the end of my session I was in the same mental state as Arnold Schwarzenegger when he’s pumping iron. I ended up in the corner of pool doing tricep dips coupled with loud exhalations. As you can imagine I must have looked a sight and been really annoying for the people lying nearby who were woken from their slumber by my heavy breathing.

I’m sad to report folks that the next morning my stomach did not show any signs of having benefited from the toning session. Worse, the only thing I’d managed to work was my shoulder blade which was so sore that it made getting out of bed extremely difficult. I ended up spending the whole day being lopsided and bending one way produced a huge floppy love handle for good measure. Not exactly an improvement.

Sitting lopsided at the pool, like I’d had a mini stroke, gave me plenty of time to take in my fellow holidaymakers, in particular a woman wearing a Monokini. At first all I could think is that the cutaway sides were going to give her tan lines that would make her look like she was lying in the road when the markings were put down. Then I switched camps and started to see the positives. Wouldn’t the tan marks create a similar illusion to that of Stella McCartney’s dresses with the black panels? The hourglass, nipped in waist as demonstrated when worn by Kate Winslet. Crafty!

Picture thanks to CoffeeBug @ Flickr.com

With her ingenious slimming trick in mind I’m already going off dieting and exercise and wondering if I can just cheat a flatter tum by recreating Monokini Woman’s tan lines with my Boots facial bronzing balls…

Fortunately the kids haven’t drowned this week and we’re at a different pool which actually has a shallow end (very helpful). However, that doesn’t mean its been trouble-free at poolside. My brother and sister-in-law were on holiday with us and I’d generously offered to make her a lunchtime G&T. Not drinking it myself I wasn’t too sure of the G to T ratio and ended up giving her a triple shot. I know she won’t mind me saying that she’s a bit uncoordinated at the best of times but the gin certainly didn’t help when she misjudged the pool steps and ended up nearly jamming her head between a metal fence. Oh how we laughed.

Happy holidays all! More of The Bikini Diaries coming soon…